On a Mission

I am going to reclaim myself. I am actively and unapologetically (is that a word and, if it is, did I spell it right?) on a mission to find me.

You see, it's just that...I am oh so tired of being wishy washy, of letting life happen to me and then adjusting to whatever conditions I find myself in.

Opinions? I've got them. I need to start sharing them.
Intuition? I've got that, too. I need to start listening (and trusting it).
Dreams...wishes...desires? Oh yes, I've got a bushel full. It's time to take them off the shelf and dust them off. Try them on. See if they fit.

This will be fun--and it will be scary. In fact, most days I will probably want to just glide through my day, unnoticed. I do so hate being a bother.

But it's just that I've got this mission, and I need to stick to it. I do hope you understand and empathize.

Haven't you ever had to go on a search for soul?

And, if you have not been enchanted by this adventure--
your life--
what would do for you?
- Mary Oliver, "To Begin With, the Sweet Grass"

my elephant ring that sits on my left ring finger when i need a physical reminder to be strong.

Keeping my door open

I am just not myself.

Do you ever feel that way?

Your day may be perfectly decent--perhaps even good. You may have even accomplished another item on your master "To Do Before the End of Fall" list. You may have cooked a satisfying meal that leaves you feeling so perfectly full, that it's all you can do to keep your eyes open as you watch an episode of Gilmore Girls. You may then even feel so adventurous as to take on a quick dessert making venture: homemade Reese's peanut butter cups.

And yet,
despite all that,
you still feel blah, ho-hum, melancholy, unbalanced, disatisfied.

Lately I feel like I'm going through the motions. I go to work because that's what I do during the week. I eat food when it's time to eat. Laundry, cleaning, tidying: I do all that as needed. I laugh at the punch line. I play along.

But it doesn't feel authentic. I feel like I'm walking through each day in a fuzzy haze.

A lot has changed as of late. Friends have moved. Work kicked into high gear and has been stressful. I found out I'll need to look for employment when this upcoming school year ends because the program I work with lost funding. I'm thinking about moving. I'm trying to settle into adulthood and I'm trying to do it gracefully and perfectly (because I'm a virgo and that's what I do!).

I have to remind myself that it's ok when life gets messy. It's necessary to point out to myself, from time to time, that life is cyclical. We can't always be up--sometimes we will be down. And that's ok. It's part of the process.

Don't shut it out. Don't close yourself off. Keep the door to your heart unlocked. Shoot, keep the door ajar. Let in the light. Because just as sure as the sun rises each morning (whether or not clouds cover it), light will come.

Tell me: Do you ever feel this way?

The Time Has Come!

After 381 days, I can now say BUH-BYYYYYYE to the job that very nearly sucked my soul away. My job was, if you will, a dementor and every time I went to work I felt like I'd never be happy again. I got by with a little help from my friends (and parents and boyfriend and Golden Girls). However, in the process I became one of those people who stopped cleaning out their car, collecting such flotsam and jetsam as a million mugs and travel mugs, clothes, shoes, lip balm, a satchel of lavender, and other things that need not be mentioned. I stopped cleaning my room and stopped making my bed, which is NEVER a good sign for me. I also stopped reading (a former favorite pastime), hated putting any effort into making meals, and just generally felt BLEH.

But tomorrow I will sit in my boss's office and say that I've had a job opportunity arise that I cannot say no to. I have come full circle and will be returning to work (full time WITH benefits) to the after school/summer program for at risk high school youth. My heart soars. I will be back working at a nonprofit that I support and identify with. I will go back to working with colleagues and the same students I worked with over a year ago (and will get to know some new ones). I will only be required to work 40 hours per week. I will have regular weekends on Saturday and Sunday. I can go to the doctor and only need to pay a co-pay!

Life is beyond good.

Also, I just bought my very first camping sleeping bag. Thank you, REI-outlet.

And with the gushing of good news comes the resolve to get back to the Katie-approved life I had before The Job of Terror. This includes keeping a junk-free car, making an effort to organize my room and working to keep it orderly, taking time to invest in the hobbies I love, and challenging myself to dive into new projects instead of slinking off to bed, too tired to contemplate anything other than whether or not I want to fall asleep on my right side or left side.

Oh, don't think I'm on cloud 9, too high to face reality. With any job comes frustrations and bad days, but I'm so relieved to be going back to the frustration and challenges of working with these high school kids.

And now I'm going to make my bed so that I can get in soon, sleep, and then test myself on whether I'll make it in the morning!