These Days...

I can count on several things to make the corners of my mouth twinge and stretch up, exposing my teeth and making what is otherwise known as a smile. In no particular order they are:

- A trip to the Chocolate Lounge downtown. Lavender Honey Truffle? Yes, please. Chocolate dipped shortbread cookie? I'd love one; thanks. Maple liquid truffle? Alright, alright...don't twist my arm. I'll have one! Sheesh. Seriously, though, this place is my happy place. It is my heaven. You used to always be able to count on the Chocolate Lounge to be a quiet little shop to read, sample some wonderful chocolate, or catch up with a friend. Now it's one of the most popular places to go downtown for both locals and tourists. Even with a line that snakes through the first level dining room, out the door, and up the sidewalk...it is worth it every.single.time.

- Cool, crip mornings that whisper the beginning of the end of summer. I think my little Katie soul can sense the change of the seasons (and the time of the Virgo!) and it's all I can do to not rush outside with a those orange glowstick things and wave autumn on in for a safe, smooth landing. Fall means no more shorts and sticky weather. No more not wanting to cook or bake for fear of passing out in my un-airconditioned home because I used the stovetop or oven. No more sleeping on top of my bed covered only with the skimpiest blanket I can find (and still sweating). Goodbye, summer. I will not be sorry to see you go. I want my sweaters and hot coffee and hot tea and blankets and wooly socks. Oh, and I want to sleep under my comforter again. So, goodbye...until we are forced to meet again.

- The layout of my new bedroom. I was feeling awfully antsy recently and wanted--no, needed to change something. Changing my nail polish wasn't enough. I needed something more. Getting a haircut was a pretty good idea, but it was Sunday and I've been saying I want to grow my hair out, plus my former stylist/hair whisperer moved to another salong (that I can't afford!). And then I knew: I'll change my furniture around. Lord Almighty, it has made such a huge difference. I have so much more space to move around in now. It was a truly satisfying Sunday afternoon project that made a big difference in my mood.

- All of the greenery in my room! I have 3 plants in my bedroom, plus a cute terrarium inside a lightbulb! I just love having the plants in my room. Why have I never had them before? Sure, I tend to kill anything I put in a pot and neglect put out for decoration, but these plants are very low maintenance and I just love them. Here's my new lil' early birthday present terrarium:

- Keeping a journal again. Whether I felt like I was too busy or put too much pressure on myself or judged the outcome, I let journaling go. I'd pick it up now and then, feeling a sense of urgency to write something, but would then feel disappointed when I reread it and wasn't bowled over by my literary genius. I'd tell myself that I was too busy and that the writing would be bad anyways, so why bother. Well I should bother because I love it--not because I'm trying to win an award or save someone's life with my words. That's all ego and it's bologna. I should do it because I love it and that's that. And so I am. And it's been nice carrying around a journal again.

You know, I could go on and on. Tonight I have an endless number of things on my Smile List (my scarves, my kitty--duh, planning my future, photography, camera daydream shopping, yadda yadda), but I'll stop now. It's 10:05 and I'm going to do my weary body a favor and go to bed early. Well, I might watch an episode of Golden Girls, but THEN I'm going to sleep.

Goodnight, nonexistant readers. Sleep tight.

When my Words Fail Me...

There is always Mary Oliver, to say what is bubbling inside me, like champagne in a bottle ready to be uncorked:

"What we love, shapely and pure,
is not to be held,
but to be believed in."

Also, there is music. Blessed music. My new band obsession: Fleet Foxes. My new Fleet Foxes song obsession:

I can't get enough of this song...and I love Robin's toe-tappin'. (The video ends kind of abruptly...which is annoying, but the toe-tapping makes up for it.)

I also loves me kitty:

meow.

Final (unoriginal) thought of the day: "I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way."

On a Mission

I am going to reclaim myself. I am actively and unapologetically (is that a word and, if it is, did I spell it right?) on a mission to find me.

You see, it's just that...I am oh so tired of being wishy washy, of letting life happen to me and then adjusting to whatever conditions I find myself in.

Opinions? I've got them. I need to start sharing them.
Intuition? I've got that, too. I need to start listening (and trusting it).
Dreams...wishes...desires? Oh yes, I've got a bushel full. It's time to take them off the shelf and dust them off. Try them on. See if they fit.

This will be fun--and it will be scary. In fact, most days I will probably want to just glide through my day, unnoticed. I do so hate being a bother.

But it's just that I've got this mission, and I need to stick to it. I do hope you understand and empathize.

Haven't you ever had to go on a search for soul?

And, if you have not been enchanted by this adventure--
your life--
what would do for you?
- Mary Oliver, "To Begin With, the Sweet Grass"

my elephant ring that sits on my left ring finger when i need a physical reminder to be strong.

Keeping my door open

I am just not myself.

Do you ever feel that way?

Your day may be perfectly decent--perhaps even good. You may have even accomplished another item on your master "To Do Before the End of Fall" list. You may have cooked a satisfying meal that leaves you feeling so perfectly full, that it's all you can do to keep your eyes open as you watch an episode of Gilmore Girls. You may then even feel so adventurous as to take on a quick dessert making venture: homemade Reese's peanut butter cups.

And yet,
despite all that,
you still feel blah, ho-hum, melancholy, unbalanced, disatisfied.

Lately I feel like I'm going through the motions. I go to work because that's what I do during the week. I eat food when it's time to eat. Laundry, cleaning, tidying: I do all that as needed. I laugh at the punch line. I play along.

But it doesn't feel authentic. I feel like I'm walking through each day in a fuzzy haze.

A lot has changed as of late. Friends have moved. Work kicked into high gear and has been stressful. I found out I'll need to look for employment when this upcoming school year ends because the program I work with lost funding. I'm thinking about moving. I'm trying to settle into adulthood and I'm trying to do it gracefully and perfectly (because I'm a virgo and that's what I do!).

I have to remind myself that it's ok when life gets messy. It's necessary to point out to myself, from time to time, that life is cyclical. We can't always be up--sometimes we will be down. And that's ok. It's part of the process.

Don't shut it out. Don't close yourself off. Keep the door to your heart unlocked. Shoot, keep the door ajar. Let in the light. Because just as sure as the sun rises each morning (whether or not clouds cover it), light will come.

Tell me: Do you ever feel this way?

Very briefly...

My, my but it's been a while. How am I doing, you ask? Oh, I'm doing alright. So is Kitty. She's snuggled up in the chair next to me.

The summer has been...eventful. After school program transitioned to summer camp: 4 days a week...10 hours a day. I'm not going to lie: It was a bit maddening. Waking up at 6 a.m. every morning...making sure everything was planned perfectly and having plans B and C in mind in case plan A imploded...having to deal with the kiddos for 10 (ten...TEN...TEN) hours each day...getting off work and not wanting to do anything that dealt with talking, listening, or moving in general. It wasn't terrible--most days were actually pretty fun, but by the end of the summer I definitely felt (and felt I resembled) this:

Pleased to meet you.

On top of work, nearly every weekend was booked solid: roadtrip to MI to visit the boy's family, a mountain excursion weekend with my mama, a family reunion, helping the boy move, visiting a friend in NJ, etc...etc... To say I feel drained is an understatement, but I wouldn't have been able to do half of those fun weekend trips if I still worked at my former place of employment, so I'll just keep my mouf shut!

Oh, and I had new roommates this summer. Four of them. The first two did NOT work out...and so then I got two more. That is another story for another day, though.

There's so much more I could say--things to say about my job and how the program I work with lost funding, things to say about "growing up" (I may be nearly 27, but I still don't have this "adult thing" figured out), things to say about stress, things to say about having my two best friends move away, things to say about how excited I am because I'm taking a photography class this Saturday...

But we don't have to have all the fun right now. We'll save some more for later. Until then, heeeeeeere's KITTY: